In Her Presence

I sit in the presence of the Divine.

I rest under the light of her soft glow.

She is the Divine Feminine.

I desire to embody her openness, her creativity, her love, her compassion, her wisdom.

I feel her presence within me and all around me.

She fills me with her light of unconditional love.

She is the Sacred Earth beneath me.

She is the Infinite Heavens above me.

She supports me with her loving-kindness and lifts me with her transcendent wisdom.

She calls to me in the whispers of her trees and watches over me in the twinkling of her stars.

She is my Mother, and the Mother of All.

Her children are my soul family.

She calls us to go deeper and to go higher.

She is a mystery, yet she knows us intimately.

In Her Presence:

I am held.

I am safe.

I am supported.

I am guided.

*From my meditation journal today*

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Embracing Who I Am

Who am I?

What am I?

Why am I here?

When will I wake up?

Where am I meant to be?

Where am I supposed to go?

These are the questions that I asked over and over again before I experienced my awakening. I could feel everything within me and around me all at once. My generalized anxiety disorder turned into frequent, full blown anxiety attacks. I craved silence and inner peace. So, I went inward, and began to explore what was going on. In my explorations, what I needed found its way to me.

There were books, websites, podcasts, and communities of people set in my path to help me understand what was happening in me. These were things at the time I couldn’t tell my family or friends about. I feared their judgments and that they would think I was crazy.

I have always felt things deeply since I could remember. I could feel when people were sad, hurt, angry, indifferent, dangerous even. But there was no one around me who was like me, at least they did not verbalize it. If I would have had the awareness I have now when I was younger, I would have been able to tell if someone was like me.

As I grew older, I still kept this hidden. I put on a mask of unknowingness to fit in with my peer group. That age can be very unforgiving anyway, why add my true self into the mix was my thinking. Around the time I turned 16, I was invited to attend a church, and I became a member. In this church is where I was taught that my gift was not of God. I was a sinner and I needed to repent and be baptized and turn away from my gift yet again. I thought I would be in a place where I felt it would be safe to find answers, but instead be coerced to live and be a certain way. I did not fit into the nice little box they had waiting for me. I continued going, held under my own fear of being lost and in need of saving because of my gift.   But upon my return from my first semester at Bible college, I never went back, to the college nor to the church. I tried to return after a year, but that was short lived. I knew I did not belong there and I was not accepted there.

This is where and when I began my first true soul journey. I still did not have a name or an understanding of my gift. I just knew I could feel what people were feeling. I was 25 at this point in my story. I read so many books. I felt an expansion in my being. I felt empowered. I felt alive. It was the first time I felt great about myself. I held my head high, my heart open, and my spirit soared. As I began my career path, that light I had in me continued to dim over time. I focused so much on what I was I felt I “should be” doing that I stopped my journey of exploration, discovery, and ascension. It would take another 15 years for a second awakening. And it took me almost losing my life to bring me back.

It would also take another series of mistakes, heartbreak, and loss to come fully back to my journey. My anxiety episodes returned. I would pace the floors at 2 am.  I already had the head and heart knowledge by this time, and I needed to go inward once more, but on a deep level. A soul-deep level.

I needed to feel in order to heal. But not with the conventions of western medicine. It did not feel right to go the quick fix route for me and take whatever they said was good for me. I looked into alternative ways, and the first thing I came across was deep breathing exercises. I learned to listen to myself and could feel when anxiety was coming on. I got in a quiet, comfortable place and breathed my way through it. It took a few tries, several actually, to begin to quiet my mind and focus on my breath.

Through my exploration and journey of healing and wellness, I learned about intuitives, hsp’s (highly sensitive people), and empaths. What I read about empaths resonated so deeply. I cried. I found I was not alone. I slowly began to embrace my gift. I connected with other empaths. My understanding and awareness grew. I began to allow myself to feel and connect with others.

I also felt a deeper connection to nature. Water has always been a place for me to just go and be. And trees. I love trees. I touch them and I can feel the life surge through them. I can feel that connection. And I am open to feel what is going on in me and in others. Without fear, without judgement. I have learned to set boundaries and also practice the sacred art of release. Whatever is toxic to me and around me, I create space or fully release that toxicity from me.

I am more open to love others. I used to hide in the shadows away from people. Once I understood and embraced this part of me, all that fear dissolved. I know I am a part of a soul family of empaths, hsp’s, and intuitives.

I am not alone.

I embrace who I am.

I embrace others.

I know why I am here.

I am meant to feel.

I am meant to heal.

I am an empath.

 

Observe. Listen. Feel. Connect.

Observe. Listen. Feel. Connect. Be still. Be silent. Be open.

These are some of the messages I’ve received when I would feel things begin to spin around me and I cannot find my bearings. I (literally) sit down in the middle of the floor (which is where one of my meditation spots is intentionally located with a large view of nature), and become very still. I focus on my breathing. I focus my attention inward. I focus on the gentle wind blowing through the trees. I see how the tree is firmly grounded deep within the earth. I see how its high branches gently hold the wind caressed leaves. It sways and moves to the breeze in the wind. They surrender themselves to the energetic forces around them. They become one with them.

Today, I see myself as the tree. Firmly grounded in the earth while my arms and hands are reaching for the skies. Storms come and go around me, and I am there, just as the tree is, strong in my roots yet free to reach for the heavens. I am supported and I am blessed. I begin to feel the calmness once again within this moment. I feel a deep connection with the tree and all other living beings on this earth. We are all truly connected by unseen roots. This was my awareness of our interconnectedness today.

May you feel loved, supported, held, and connected today and as you go about your week.

Much love,

Bonnie

 

 

 

 

Gentle, Healing Rain

It’s raining today. The same as it has the past two days and nights here. This is the type of rain that I love…the cleansing, renewing gentle downpour softly cleansing the earth and all beings that reside within her. The kind of rain that makes the trees show their brightest, colorful hues of rich greens. The kind that makes the birds sing a little louder and more constant as they bathe themselves in the natural baths left behind. Just perfect for these beautiful beings with wings. The male cardinal even made an appearance, the one that would grace my upstairs apartment balcony before I moved to the lower level.

The rain brings with it the gentle reminder that we too, as sacred beings, can be refreshed, renewed, and restored. For me, this renewal has come with feeling, sharing, and expressing love. To myself, and to others. To let love rain down upon all of us. To feel saturated in it, to feel the fresh breath of life it brings after it has cleansed us, to stand in this outpouring of love. With this rain comes the promise that we can heal, we can mend the hurts, and that we can be restored. Something that the world is crying out for in present days. I can hear them. I can feel them. I say, bring the rain. Bring the love. Let it drench every inch of this planet and all who live within her. Let love heal and restore us all.  It all begins with us. Much love, Lovelies.

A New Life Path, A New Awakening

Hello, Lovelies. I came to visit my old blog today, and why not stay awhile and drop a note here? My last post on here was last September. Almost 8 months ago, and so much has transpired in that time. Life shifts and we shift with it. We are still the same people at our core, but with more experiences and deeper awareness & discovery as we go along our journeys.

I have now added another hat to wear, that of being a caretaker. Three months ago, my older sister experienced a life threatening medical situation. From discovery to emergency to immediate surgery in the span of two hours, our lives changed. Then, during her hospital stay, more discoveries and surgeries. It was a scary, exhausting time. And full of uncertainty. People coming and going. Trying to keep distant family updated. Trying to be there for her. Trying not to lose myself. Self-Care and Soul-Care became so important to me. And, in all this, I became more aware of who I am, and a new life path formed in front of me.

After two months in the hospital, she was able to come home. One week before she was released, we had moved to the downstairs apartment to accommodate her new life. She could no longer walk up and down stairs. We were blessed to have the apartment available in our building, so she would not have to go far with her walker. Many blessings occurred during this time. And many potential setbacks. But the way was made clear for us and we overcame. We not only survived, but we are thriving.

My sister is now home, and this new place suits our needs. It is a gift to us, and we are appreciative every day. I am still getting my “sea legs” as far as being a caregiver, and my self care and soulful practices have been essential to keep myself grounded and less prone to anxiety attacks. I practice being intuitive with my body, I listen to my body, and respond according to my needs at that moment. Boundaries are so essential, even as it pertains to my sister. I have to step back sometimes and not take it all on myself. I have to take care of me so that I may take care of her.

Self-care is not selfish, it’s essential to well-being.

Connecting to nature and the Divine has been essential to my well-being. More mindful meditation practices. More leaning into my intuition and expressing my empathic nature. Meeting more of my soul family as they become known to me. Seeing the purpose and meaning in everything and everyone. It is a new awakening for me.

As time and circumstances permit, I will be posting more on here, as I have always felt I can breathe and express myself freely here. And self-expression is a part of soul-care, self-care and self-love. Here, I am just Bonnie…without the titles of caretaker, intuitive mentor, teacher of self-love, self-care, and soul-care, visionary, creative, etc. This is a sacred space for me to write, to express, and to share my journey in all its authenticity and transparency without concern of judgement from myself and others.

Here, I can just be. And I welcome you to share in my journey. Much love, Lovelies.

 

 

Changing Seasons

Mid September and it is almost here. My favorite season of the year. Ironic since I was born in Spring, right around the time the snow is melting and the lush greens return to Wisconsin. But this time of year coming up is my favorite.

Here, as in most states with the four seasons, we experience the slight chill in the air, the leaves getting crisp, and turning gorgeous shades of yellows, oranges, and deep reds. And they eventually fall in glorious layers that crunch under your feet or get selected as that year’s saved memento in an old encyclopedia.

Then there’s the crisp scents of pumpkins, apples, spices, and wood burning fireplaces. It is almost magical. And even inside a new crop of candles is brought forth to bring all those scents indoors when there isn’t anything baking in the oven or burning in the fireplace.  Then there are the corn mazes and hayrides out at the local family farms where you you can pick your pumpkins for Halloween carving. Like I said, magical.

But perhaps the most magical of all is the feeling in the air. It is a time when the leaves have a beautiful death with the promise they will return in the Spring to shine their beauty upon us once again. When the trees go into a hibernation for the cold months and emerge on the other side with more wisdom and truth than they held the year before.

And us? The humans? The stewards and caretakers of all that is within nature? We have the privilege to see the life cycles of nature over and over again until it is our time to experience the same beautiful transformation of life into death into rebirth, and emerge on the other side fresh, whole, new, and ready for the next life we will have. Makes you wonder who is watching our seasons lifetime after lifetime, doesn’t it?

Conversations With The Little Voice #2

 

I can’t do this. What was I thinking?

You can do this. Look at all you accomplished so far.

Yes, and it was a foolish endeavor. I failed at this too.

You are giving up too soon. Something you tend to do. Will you walk away from this too?

I’m not strong enough. I prove that over and over and over again. It’s all too much.

If you would slow down a little, you would see how far you have come. What all you accomplished. And all the people you touched.

I’m a fraud. All the good things about me are a façade. If people saw the real me, they would run. They would judge.

Not the real people in this world, and not the ones that love you for who you are. And all those good things you portray? They are a part of you. Being vulnerable with your emotions shows your humanity. Being mad, being sad shows you have passion and a caring heart. Being vulnerable is a sign of strength. So cry. Get mad. Laugh from your belly. Have a deep conversation with someone you trust. Never shy away from expressing yourself.


I hope you enjoyed this writing, and these are actual thoughts I have had, and sometimes still do. I believe the first step to changing our limiting beliefs and self doubt is to face them, learn and acknowledge them, then make small changes within ourselves to move past them. And be patient with yourself; love yourself every step of the way whether it was a triumph or a setback. You won’t realize how much strength you truly have until you start to use it. One step at a time. One victory at a time. Sending love and light your way today. If you would like to connect with me, I invite you to join me over on my Facebook page.