Embracing Who I Am

Who am I?

What am I?

Why am I here?

When will I wake up?

Where am I meant to be?

Where am I supposed to go?

These are the questions that I asked over and over again before I experienced my awakening. I could feel everything within me and around me all at once. My generalized anxiety disorder turned into frequent, full blown anxiety attacks. I craved silence and inner peace. So, I went inward, and began to explore what was going on. In my explorations, what I needed found its way to me.

There were books, websites, podcasts, and communities of people set in my path to help me understand what was happening in me. These were things at the time I couldn’t tell my family or friends about. I feared their judgments and that they would think I was crazy.

I have always felt things deeply since I could remember. I could feel when people were sad, hurt, angry, indifferent, dangerous even. But there was no one around me who was like me, at least they did not verbalize it. If I would have had the awareness I have now when I was younger, I would have been able to tell if someone was like me.

As I grew older, I still kept this hidden. I put on a mask of unknowingness to fit in with my peer group. That age can be very unforgiving anyway, why add my true self into the mix was my thinking. Around the time I turned 16, I was invited to attend a church, and I became a member. In this church is where I was taught that my gift was not of God. I was a sinner and I needed to repent and be baptized and turn away from my gift yet again. I thought I would be in a place where I felt it would be safe to find answers, but instead be coerced to live and be a certain way. I did not fit into the nice little box they had waiting for me. I continued going, held under my own fear of being lost and in need of saving because of my gift.   But upon my return from my first semester at Bible college, I never went back, to the college nor to the church. I tried to return after a year, but that was short lived. I knew I did not belong there and I was not accepted there.

This is where and when I began my first true soul journey. I still did not have a name or an understanding of my gift. I just knew I could feel what people were feeling. I was 25 at this point in my story. I read so many books. I felt an expansion in my being. I felt empowered. I felt alive. It was the first time I felt great about myself. I held my head high, my heart open, and my spirit soared. As I began my career path, that light I had in me continued to dim over time. I focused so much on what I was I felt I “should be” doing that I stopped my journey of exploration, discovery, and ascension. It would take another 15 years for a second awakening. And it took me almost losing my life to bring me back.

It would also take another series of mistakes, heartbreak, and loss to come fully back to my journey. My anxiety episodes returned. I would pace the floors at 2 am.  I already had the head and heart knowledge by this time, and I needed to go inward once more, but on a deep level. A soul-deep level.

I needed to feel in order to heal. But not with the conventions of western medicine. It did not feel right to go the quick fix route for me and take whatever they said was good for me. I looked into alternative ways, and the first thing I came across was deep breathing exercises. I learned to listen to myself and could feel when anxiety was coming on. I got in a quiet, comfortable place and breathed my way through it. It took a few tries, several actually, to begin to quiet my mind and focus on my breath.

Through my exploration and journey of healing and wellness, I learned about intuitives, hsp’s (highly sensitive people), and empaths. What I read about empaths resonated so deeply. I cried. I found I was not alone. I slowly began to embrace my gift. I connected with other empaths. My understanding and awareness grew. I began to allow myself to feel and connect with others.

I also felt a deeper connection to nature. Water has always been a place for me to just go and be. And trees. I love trees. I touch them and I can feel the life surge through them. I can feel that connection. And I am open to feel what is going on in me and in others. Without fear, without judgement. I have learned to set boundaries and also practice the sacred art of release. Whatever is toxic to me and around me, I create space or fully release that toxicity from me.

I am more open to love others. I used to hide in the shadows away from people. Once I understood and embraced this part of me, all that fear dissolved. I know I am a part of a soul family of empaths, hsp’s, and intuitives.

I am not alone.

I embrace who I am.

I embrace others.

I know why I am here.

I am meant to feel.

I am meant to heal.

I am an empath.

 

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