In Her Presence

I sit in the presence of the Divine.

I rest under the light of her soft glow.

She is the Divine Feminine.

I desire to embody her openness, her creativity, her love, her compassion, her wisdom.

I feel her presence within me and all around me.

She fills me with her light of unconditional love.

She is the Sacred Earth beneath me.

She is the Infinite Heavens above me.

She supports me with her loving-kindness and lifts me with her transcendent wisdom.

She calls to me in the whispers of her trees and watches over me in the twinkling of her stars.

She is my Mother, and the Mother of All.

Her children are my soul family.

She calls us to go deeper and to go higher.

She is a mystery, yet she knows us intimately.

In Her Presence:

I am held.

I am safe.

I am supported.

I am guided.

*From my meditation journal today*

Embracing Who I Am

Who am I?

What am I?

Why am I here?

When will I wake up?

Where am I meant to be?

Where am I supposed to go?

These are the questions that I asked over and over again before I experienced my awakening. I could feel everything within me and around me all at once. My generalized anxiety disorder turned into frequent, full blown anxiety attacks. I craved silence and inner peace. So, I went inward, and began to explore what was going on. In my explorations, what I needed found its way to me.

There were books, websites, podcasts, and communities of people set in my path to help me understand what was happening in me. These were things at the time I couldn’t tell my family or friends about. I feared their judgments and that they would think I was crazy.

I have always felt things deeply since I could remember. I could feel when people were sad, hurt, angry, indifferent, dangerous even. But there was no one around me who was like me, at least they did not verbalize it. If I would have had the awareness I have now when I was younger, I would have been able to tell if someone was like me.

As I grew older, I still kept this hidden. I put on a mask of unknowingness to fit in with my peer group. That age can be very unforgiving anyway, why add my true self into the mix was my thinking. Around the time I turned 16, I was invited to attend a church, and I became a member. In this church is where I was taught that my gift was not of God. I was a sinner and I needed to repent and be baptized and turn away from my gift yet again. I thought I would be in a place where I felt it would be safe to find answers, but instead be coerced to live and be a certain way. I did not fit into the nice little box they had waiting for me. I continued going, held under my own fear of being lost and in need of saving because of my gift.   But upon my return from my first semester at Bible college, I never went back, to the college nor to the church. I tried to return after a year, but that was short lived. I knew I did not belong there and I was not accepted there.

This is where and when I began my first true soul journey. I still did not have a name or an understanding of my gift. I just knew I could feel what people were feeling. I was 25 at this point in my story. I read so many books. I felt an expansion in my being. I felt empowered. I felt alive. It was the first time I felt great about myself. I held my head high, my heart open, and my spirit soared. As I began my career path, that light I had in me continued to dim over time. I focused so much on what I was I felt I “should be” doing that I stopped my journey of exploration, discovery, and ascension. It would take another 15 years for a second awakening. And it took me almost losing my life to bring me back.

It would also take another series of mistakes, heartbreak, and loss to come fully back to my journey. My anxiety episodes returned. I would pace the floors at 2 am.  I already had the head and heart knowledge by this time, and I needed to go inward once more, but on a deep level. A soul-deep level.

I needed to feel in order to heal. But not with the conventions of western medicine. It did not feel right to go the quick fix route for me and take whatever they said was good for me. I looked into alternative ways, and the first thing I came across was deep breathing exercises. I learned to listen to myself and could feel when anxiety was coming on. I got in a quiet, comfortable place and breathed my way through it. It took a few tries, several actually, to begin to quiet my mind and focus on my breath.

Through my exploration and journey of healing and wellness, I learned about intuitives, hsp’s (highly sensitive people), and empaths. What I read about empaths resonated so deeply. I cried. I found I was not alone. I slowly began to embrace my gift. I connected with other empaths. My understanding and awareness grew. I began to allow myself to feel and connect with others.

I also felt a deeper connection to nature. Water has always been a place for me to just go and be. And trees. I love trees. I touch them and I can feel the life surge through them. I can feel that connection. And I am open to feel what is going on in me and in others. Without fear, without judgement. I have learned to set boundaries and also practice the sacred art of release. Whatever is toxic to me and around me, I create space or fully release that toxicity from me.

I am more open to love others. I used to hide in the shadows away from people. Once I understood and embraced this part of me, all that fear dissolved. I know I am a part of a soul family of empaths, hsp’s, and intuitives.

I am not alone.

I embrace who I am.

I embrace others.

I know why I am here.

I am meant to feel.

I am meant to heal.

I am an empath.

 

Observe. Listen. Feel. Connect.

Observe. Listen. Feel. Connect. Be still. Be silent. Be open.

These are some of the messages I’ve received when I would feel things begin to spin around me and I cannot find my bearings. I (literally) sit down in the middle of the floor (which is where one of my meditation spots is intentionally located with a large view of nature), and become very still. I focus on my breathing. I focus my attention inward. I focus on the gentle wind blowing through the trees. I see how the tree is firmly grounded deep within the earth. I see how its high branches gently hold the wind caressed leaves. It sways and moves to the breeze in the wind. They surrender themselves to the energetic forces around them. They become one with them.

Today, I see myself as the tree. Firmly grounded in the earth while my arms and hands are reaching for the skies. Storms come and go around me, and I am there, just as the tree is, strong in my roots yet free to reach for the heavens. I am supported and I am blessed. I begin to feel the calmness once again within this moment. I feel a deep connection with the tree and all other living beings on this earth. We are all truly connected by unseen roots. This was my awareness of our interconnectedness today.

May you feel loved, supported, held, and connected today and as you go about your week.

Much love,

Bonnie

 

 

 

 

When Are We Really Ready?

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It has been a thought of mine in the past few days of why we turn to experts and gurus to find answers or knowledge? Why do we rely on their teachings to tell us which way to go and what to do?  I have learned many things from them in my time, and for that I am grateful. I have also learned that I stayed under their teachings for too long and would hop from expert to expert to learn the things I already knew.

Then I questioned myself. Why do I do this? I came up with two answers: fear and trust.

I feared I did not know enough to put what I have learned into action. I feared people would compare me to the people that I thought knew more than I did, and would laugh me off the stage. I feared sharing what I knew,  and I made myself small so as not to be noticed. If I kept that line of fear going, I would never step into my purpose and passion.

And trust? I did not trust myself, my knowledge, my skills, or my talents to reach out and help others. I had to develop the trust within myself to step forward and out, and to trust that my way forward was to get past these limiting beliefs and self doubt.

My message to those who are in this situation and, if this resonates with you, is to walk past your fear and trust that you do have what it takes. You have done your research, you have found your voice, and the only thing in your way now is you. You will continuously grow and learn NEW things. Strength of heart, mind, soul, and spirit will carry you the rest of the way.

With love and heart,

Bonnie

 

The Treasures Among Us

I’ve been rearranging the living room the past few days to accommodate a (mostly) new couch and desk I was gifted from dear friends who are moving to California from Wisconsin. It was one of those things where the best laid plans were thrown out the window and chaos ensued. But it did all work out in the end.

During this time of rearranging, I had to clear off a bookshelf so it could be relocated, and I found the book pictured above. Nothing too shocking about it, after all, I am a woman writer and why wouldn’t I have such a book in my possession?

It is significant because I bought from a neighbor’s garage sale about ten years ago. Well before I embraced my writer’s side. I pulled it out and set it aside to read for later. When I got around to reading it (yes, it sat there hidden in plain sight for ten years unread), I felt like I found a treasure. Every word in just the introduction resonated with me because of where I am within the realm of writing: long enough to have more skills and confidence, but new enough to know I have a ways to go and to still feel fear now and again of my writing.

Something I had the unknown foresight to get all that long ago that is so relevant at this moment. It falls in line with me and what my purpose is. I have not gotten very far in the book yet, but it has already inspired me and opened my mind. I suggest it to any woman writer or to all writers who love to read women’s literature.

❤ Bonnie

*And here is my current work in progress on the new furniture.  The desk filled as you can see, and I am still adding more.

**Please pardon the work in progress mess!

You Inspire Me…

Hi, WordPress Family. I miss you all!  I’ve been largely absent from here recently. There is much going on in all the new things to come, but my heart is here, as it was my first experience of being a part of a community. You all are my roots, and I have grown and continue to grow from the knowledge, wisdom, writings, and depths you shared. The website is still in my developer’s hands, and I will keep you posted when I know more. In the meantime, I want to share this. I wrote it on my personal Facebook page, and I feel strongly about sharing it here too since you are family to me as well. Thank you all for sharing yourselves. I know how scary that can be at times, and why a community of writers, light workers, and many other great people is important. This is for all of you with much love.

❤ Bonnie

l love to design. I love to build things. I love to write. I love to share. I love to help others. Can I find a way to marry my passions with my purpose? Yes. I’m taking these building blocks and growing them together into one element.

Does it overwhelm me at times? Yes.

Do I question what I’m doing and why I’m doing it? More often than not.

Do I get stuck wondering what I should do next? You know it.

How do I do it all? Perseverance, tenacity, determination, love, forgiveness, learning daily, asking questions to those who are further on their journey than I am, taking one day to “unplug” if I need to.

I seek and find inspiration from all of you. Seeing people doing their own thing in their own way and in their own time, that inspires me to keep moving. It shows me what is possible when we dare to dream and put those dreams into action. Rest for a little while, dream some more, make a plan, and then put it into action. You can do it. I can do it. We can do it. I hope to inspire all of you just as you have done and continue to do for me.

Much love,

Bonnie

Inspiration is Everywhere…

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In going about my usual day, a theme has laid itself in my path.

Inspiration.

The first incarnation was while writing the weekly newsletter, where inspiration was the main message. Then on Twitter, I had a personal message asking me what inspires me at the moment. And to top it all off, there was a post about inspiration in my WordPress reader.

And to add a twist of irony, inspiration is something I lacked lately. I have loads of ideas and notes on things to write about, but I feel that I am in a dry season. I have read this is a common occurrence for writers, which is why that file folder of ideas is handy to have in your writer’s tool kit. (If you don’t have one, take the time to put one together…it will be worth it!)

What I did yesterday was throw my normal schedule out the window. I looked at visual arts, paintings, nature, anything visually pleasing to my eyes besides words. Did it work? Well, it was a start. My mind relaxed and opened itself up. Nothing poured in, and there weren’t any epiphanies or light bulbs going off. But it was a start.

Sometimes it isn’t a brilliant explosion, but it comes in a quiet whisper.

And I’m listening, muses of the universe. And waiting.