Conversations With The Inner Voice

This is a newer project I’ve been working on in “down times” (plurality to the meaning…interpret it as you wish). I’m not sure what will come of it or where it will go, it is just me writing out some of these conversations. I welcome your feedback.

❤ Bonnie

I’m still here.

Yes, I know.

Then why don’t you listen to me?

I’m busy. Can we do this later?

You’re in denial.

No, I’m not.

Ok, you are denying yourself then.

I’m working on my life, trying to make it better.

But while you are working so hard, you aren’t taking care of you.

I will take the time I need when I make it. Until then, let me do what I need to do.

You are risking everything. You will lose who you are in this process.

Well, maybe I’m actually finding myself. Have you considered that?

Yes. But trying to find yourself and where you fit in doesn’t mean you have to round off your edges. If you embrace who you are, ALL of who you are, the place where you belong will find you. Why silence or modify your voice just to be a nameless face in the crowd? You are more than just being one of many. Get out of the masses and that is where you will find your path.

You Are Unique.

You Are Loved.

You Were Created To Be Yourself.

Just Be That.

You Are Enough.

The Labyrinth of Lost Love

It was in the past, and the past is where I choose to dwell. The place where your arms held me tight. Where your lips met my forehead. Where your hand took mine as you led me through the realm of love.

When I visit there now, it is barren. Grey. Cold. The marble is broken and the mirrors lay shattered. Where our grand castle once sat, there is now a dark and twisted labyrinth. Each night in my dreams, I get lost within its thorny walls. There is a beast in the corridor, always two steps behind me.

I try to run. I try to hide. I must find my way to you. I feel the breath of the beast upon me now. Night after night, I scream in this wicked dream. His claws reach me, and I am made his prisoner. He grabs me in his arms and holds me. His gnarled lips kiss my mine. He grabs my hand and pulls me through the maze. My dress rips and my hands scrape against the thorns. He pulls me faster.

He stops as we reach a meadow. One full of roses. Of lush trees . Of cherubs and fountains so deep. The sky is clear after the clouds wisp by. The beast holds me close and speaks to me, gentle and clear.

“I have chased you all these nights. Why did you run from me?  The further you ran from me, the more I turned into this.” It was the voice of my beloved. “Don’t you see? You are what made me beautiful. Your love, your passion, and your beauty. You came back for me within this prison. I am yours. For now, for then, and for always.”

With our love restored with deeper understanding, the beast vanished. The veil of fear fell away from my eyes. My love now stood before me.

The Beast, The King

Ferocious and fierce

You draw your sword

A king never backs down

Any challenge will end in defeat

 

You face your foe

He unleashes his claws

A beast destined to defeat and devour

Men of flesh, blood, and bone

 

Face to face upon the immortal field

Stains of blood and glory adorn the ground

Centuries of waste and lives extinguished

Oft repeated between lands of freedom

 

Both wish to reign but only one can rule

The balance always sways

Man rules for centuries on end, to be

Defeated by beasts who rise to the challenge

 

An eternal battle of brains and brawn

Between two sides of the very same coin

Each one will test their wit, each man will test their might

Never do they realize they are one and the same.

From Land To Water: The Tale of Kimihiro

Within the Valley of Vultures, one must shield their eyes.

They swarmed over him, mile after mile.

Their long shadow served as a tiny reprieve from the sun.

Dry, parched, hallucinating. Visions of a desolate oasis.

They swarmed lower now, seeing he was at his end.

Feet were heavy, his heart was pounding,

Gasped for breath in an air full of sand.

Choking on the dryness, his throat began to close.

They dove lower to devour their feast,

Their wings fanned his face and blocked out the sun.

He fell to his knees, then all the way down.

He felt a splash of water and found himself six feet down.

The desert was gone, vultures disappeared, the sun shone through the water.

He looked up at the surface, shimmering and blue.

His mind raced, how did he get here?

I must be dead, I feel no need to breathe.

Dolphins and creatures of the sea swam around him in curiosity.

He felt his neck pulsate, gills on either side.

Diving deep, he swam to see what the ocean was hiding.

His legs were now covered in turquoise scales and webbed toes adorned his feet.

The siren song found his ears and called him to the deep.

Merfolk emerged from shells within the caves,

Welcomed him home and led him through the sea

Kaimu, his Queen, awaited; motioned for him to come near.

She crowned him with starfish and clams,

Merfolk and creatures bowed as he took his throne.

You have been gone for a century.

She explains as she sat beside him.

He looked around and memories came to mind.

His children were grown with children of their own.

He looks at them all and feels his heart break.

I have been gone for too long; I have such a tale to explain.

The Battle of the Mind

Today, the two sides of my brain are in conflict with each other. What is normally a harmonious and well balanced relationship is stuck in the very center of who is going to gain control. I feel a strong pull from the creative side, but my structured side is telling me I should get on that to do list for today and forget about the creativity that my soul is longing for.

So, maybe it’s more a battle of soul vs mind. And the only thing I can do is write about it to try and get it out of my system. Or try to make sense of it and find a way out.

I am tempted to throw in the towel and just go dip my feet in the lake, but I know it will be full of people today, since it is the first long weekend of the summer. But then, maybe that is more of a reason to go. To be surrounded by people who are having a good time with their family and friends and observe and witness the joy of human connection. (Can you tell I’m more of a lone wolf?)

And maybe because of what day it is, I’m feeling more open and emotional when I see videos and photos of families who have a fallen soldier they are missing.

So, I think is going to be one of those days where I hang up any expectations and plans I have for myself, and just go with the flow.

❤ Bonnie

Notes In The Margin

What do we write within the margins of our own life?

I believe we are the writers and creators of the life we live. We choose. We make mistakes. We make victories. We grow and learn constantly until the day this mortal flesh has its final sleep. And amongst all  that, what notes are we putting in the margins of this life?

Think of your life as that manuscript for a moment. Every part of your life is sitting in front of you, written out, and you cannot edit, delete, or modify any of the story. The only thing you can do is reflect upon it and write your notes.

What would you write? Would you blame or bash yourself for something that was out of your control? Or would you look at it with love and forgiveness? Or maybe even anger or vengeance?

What about the things you could control? Do you see regret and pain in the times you screwed up? Or do you put that up as a lesson learned and move forward with the intention of not making that mistake again?

As much as we write our own stories in this one life we are given, we will not always be right, we will not always be treated right, and we will place too much on ourselves in this life to fully appreciate the “just be” part of it. The “just be” part is found within the notes in the margins of our manuscript. How you write, and what you write, in that margin about yourself is how you view your life as a whole.

And we can edit the notes, even if we cannot edit what happened. But, what we can also do, is fill that space and time with love. Love for ourselves if nothing else. I believe when we pour love over everything and into our being, we begin to heal.

There will be off days, and this seems to be one of those for me. When this rises to the surface, there is a reason for it. And it is usually the biggest trauma from our lives that we face in those moments. Perhaps it is just a reminder, or perhaps it is something we have not fully healed from.

In times like these, I turn to self care as much as possible. And I write. What I write here is just a tiny fraction of what goes in my journal. Everyone is different and has their own way of healing. And everyone has something to heal from.

An internal question for you to ponder: what do your notes in the margin say?

So, much love coming your way in case you need just a little extra today,

❤ Bonnie

 

The Sun Also Rises…and Other Early Morning Thoughts…

I am a night owl. I love the night, and how its dark serenity wraps me up in a blanket. I’ve been this way for a long time, even when I worked in the traditional sense. Back then I used the night to relax and to prepare for the next day. These days, I am up late because I write best at night. My mind is open and it does not voluntarily close. There have been times that I will finally go to sleep around 6 am, which is usually the point where my body stands its ground and demands rest.

The past few days, however, I have been waking up early and staying awake. I resigned myself to it, and went about my wake up routine as always.

Coffee? Check.

Toast? Check.

Opened the windows? Check.

Fired up the laptop? Check.

My new desk faces the outdoor balcony and trees, so I have a clear view of nature. The past few mornings, I have seen the sun rise, and have witnessed the world wake up. A small symphony of birds chirping. The rustle of the gentle wind through the trees. The robin that has been visiting me every day on the balcony. The family of cardinals that live in the tree. I felt at peace here too, but it is a different one than that of the night. It is renewal, it is life, it is refreshing. All the things I forgot about because I was married to the night.

There was a point where I feared the day. I was a lone wolf, and daylight was not to be trusted. I wanted to sleep through the fear and wake up to the comfort of darkness. But it’s different now. It seems I am finding balance, and maybe that is why I have been naturally waking up early. I still love the serenity of the moon, but I also love the rising of the sun and all the promises it holds. I understand now, that I need both. I have always seen both sides of things, but now I understand its significance.

Everything I see and feel has a duality to it. But yet I see them as one, I see that they can be a cohesive unit working together for a common goal. The Yin and Yang symbol comes to mind, two separate and unique elements in one. The twin fishes of my Pisces zodiac sign, whose meaning has two separate ones forming it. The light and the dark of life and humanity. There is a mystery there waiting to be solved, and a truth waiting to be exposed. I have embraced this message, and my two sides are slowly fusing together.

And I am at peace about it, because I know and trust that time and space will reveal all.